Don’t you stop fighting with your partner and you don’t know why? We all argue with our partner at one time or another, but an argument does not have to be something bad or harmful: in fact, couples discussions serve to express our feelings listen to the other and reach agreements.
But what happens when fights become a daily thing? In this case, we must stop to analyze what is happening, why we are arguing and see what can be improved or changed so that the relationship works. If you want to know how, don’t miss this article on how to stop fighting so much with my partner.
Why do I argue so much with my partner?
Since we are all different people, with a different education (not better or worse, but different), with different experiences that have marked us in a unique way, we cannot, therefore, pretend that our partner (or any other person) thinks or feel things the same way as us.
Starting from here, it is understandable that there are “clashes” with our partner, since it is impossible to agree with everything and sometimes the problem is not being aware that their point of view is as valid as ours.
Why don’t we stop arguing?
Perhaps it is a topic that we have already raised, but you keep asking yourself why you don’t stop arguing. The main reasons may be the following:
- Lack of emotional management: Many times it is due to the lack of emotional management. If we are not able to control and learn from our feelings, we will not be able to easily carry a relationship. For example, if we feel jealous, it is time to reflect and think if we have real reasons for feeling this way or if, in reality, it is a reflection of our past, of that moment in which we were hurt. If this is the case and you do not know how to solve it, it is best to go to a psychologist or professional of our interest to help us with emotional management.
- We do not respect the other: As we said, their point of view is as valid as yours. Sometimes this is something that pride or ego does not allow us to see clearly. After all, we live in a society in which we have to survive and in which, many times, we cannot believe everything we see or are told. But with our partner it is not necessary to be so cautious, we must trust him or her and value them as they deserve. Even so, this can also occur because both members of the couple are very dominant and “fight” to dominate the other, to be “better” than the other, which would be a problem if they are not.
- Rancor from the past: Sometimes, we let things go by that annoy us or hurt us in order not to argue, but everything, over time, has to come out. If you do not express it at the time, it can come out with much more force at the least expected moment. It is the same thing that happens with anxiety. Anxiety, in general, is produced by a cluster of feelings and emotions not expressed or managed correctly at the time. A fight with your partner over the resentment of the past would be something similar; it would be a very damaging “explosion” for both of you. Communication is the basis of any relationship, so do not be afraid to express what you think or feel.
- Problems of the past not solved: It could also be the case that things of the past were discussed, but for some reason they were not solved and the thorn is still there, coming out from time to time in the form of doubts, questions, hints and, how no, of discussion. If this is creating a big problem in the couple, it is best to go to couples therapy.
- Bad communication: Another option that answers the question of why we do not stop arguing is because there is bad communication in the couple. If we do not express ourselves well from the beginning, we run the risk that our partner misinterprets our words, which would end up leading to a later discussion.
- Need to seek external conflict: We all have bad days, but our partner does not have to pay for it. It may also be the case that we are suffering internal conflicts and we do not know how to manage them. In these cases, it is with the partner with whom we have the most confidence, which means that with her we are more relaxed and, therefore, without realizing it, we open up and let everything good and bad come out. If we are going through a bad time, try to avoid discharging all negative energies with your partner, he or she does not deserve it.
- Expectations: It can also be the case that we are very demanding and have a series of expectations with our partner that are not met, or that we expect a reaction from our partner that, later, is not the one that takes place. Before this, we get frustrated, angry and, therefore, we end up arguing with him or her.
- Taking things for granted: Although intuitions are sometimes quite accurate, in our relationships we must avoid taking things for granted. If we believe that something strange is happening, we must discuss it with the couple and ask if this is the case. The same goes for interpretations. If our partner says something and her tone confuses us, we must ask her what she meant, and not stay with our first impression.
- My partner does not respect me: If despite all your efforts to make the relationship work, you feel that your partner is not respecting you and is hurting you with their attitude, it is normal for confrontations to occur.
My partner and I argue a lot over nonsense.
It must be said that, like everything bad, discussions can get “hooked.” If the arguments become too constant, we may as a couple learn that this is the way to solve small daily conflicts.
But what happens if you don’t stop arguing with your partner over nonsense? Many times it is due to a problem when communicating and expressing ourselves. In this way, it is important to know, first, what are the types of communication that exist:
- Passive communication: In this type of communication, one of the two members of the couple never expresses their opinions and accepts everything that the other person tells them without question, even if they do not agree or do not like what the other thinks. This usually happens with withdrawn and insecure people.
- Aggressive communication: In this type of communication, insults are used; yelling and opinions are expressed in a very unpleasant way. This is a form of communication that tends to trigger arguments more easily.
- Assertive communication: It is considered that assertiveness is the best form of communication, since it is based on communicating and respecting the other. In addition, in this type of communication you have to express yourself in a calm and calm way. Sometimes the tone is more important than the words.
If you want to avoid arguing with your partner over nonsense, the key is in assertive communication.
How to avoid arguing with my partner?
From the outset, it must be clarified that arguing is not bad, since it is simply a way of exposing our feelings and thoughts. However, there is a fine line between expressing what we think and “fighting.”
Arguing is not the same as fighting.
The word “discussion” has been taking, over the years, a wrong meaning. Arguing is not bad, but it is only the action of exchanging opinions with respect for the other. As a famous psychologist says in her article I argue a lot with my partner for nonsense, what do I do?, This is something extremely necessary, since the basis of a couple is communication and discussion is part of it:
All couples must communicate to know more about each other, to express their needs or if at some point one of the two offends the other, to be able to say so to solve it in the best possible way. As we can see, do not be afraid to argue. What you do have to avoid at all costs are fights.
In the fight there are verbal attacks, which are synonymous with not respecting the other or underestimating them. A fight is not the same as an argument. The discussion is necessary to express needs and reach agreements. The fight is an attack on the other, sometimes even with the intention of hurting him.
How not to fight so much with your partner?
As we said, communication is important, but also the will to want to improve the relationship. It is not worth that only one of the two wants to stop arguing, but this must be teamwork. Although the basis is communication, as we have seen, the following is also very important:
- Empathize with your partner: The best way to understand the other is to put yourself in their shoes and understand why they say what they say or why they think what they think. In other words, it is necessary to learn to be more empathetic so that, thus, the relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend can go smoothly.
- Learn to listen: Sometimes listening is not as easy as it sounds. We may think we are listening to what they are saying to us, but in reality we don’t even want the sound of their words to enter our ears. This is a problem that must be solved, since we cannot pretend to be heard and not listen to the other.
- Learn to express yourself: If you are one of those who do not express yourself enough or correctly, this is something that you have to work on. If you do not express yourself clearly, your partner will probably misinterpret your words and you will return to arguing when, in fact, you could have avoided it.
- Don’t take things for granted: Learn to ask and let you be asked. If there is something that is not clear, simply, t must be clarified! Otherwise, there will be silly and unnecessary discussions.
- Do not criticize or reproach: Above all, the attack must be avoided. If you attack, the most normal thing is for the other person to defend themselves. And so the discussion or fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend begins. If you are in the habit of speaking offensively to protect yourself and you do not know how to solve it, go to a professional for help with therapy.
- Stay calm: When the confrontation occurs or you see that it is about to happen, do not jump, yell or insult. Stay calm at all times and speak in a calm tone. As a general rule, how you speak is how they will speak to you.
Of course, above all, do not tolerate offenses or toxic attitudes. Love yourself and respect yourself. If you feel that your partner is not treating you well and hurts you no matter what, maybe it is time to rethink your relationship.
