There are couples with a high level of conflict who choose to stay together for their children. How many times have you heard “I do not separate for my children ” in this context? It is essential to point out that the negative is not divorce but how it is communicated to minors, how it is carried out and how it takes place over time, and in cases of bad marital relationship the negative for the children is to maintain that relationship with the minors being witnesses to all the discussions. In this article we explain how relationship problems affect children.
Marital conflicts.
Exposure to parental fights negatively affects the development of minors, not only during fighting but also after it. In fact, this type of marital conflict is one of the best predictors of problems in minors. Children frequently exposed to this situation copy the way their parents act and do not develop healthy ways of expressing anger. In this way they can respond both with aggressive behavior and with anxiety and concern.
How it affects minors.
From a very young age, children are already sensitive to conflicts, even from the sixth month of life (a fact that has been discovered by observing changes in their heart rate and blood pressure when they are immersed in conflict situations between adults). This means that they capture the tension and aggressiveness of the situation through non-verbal language, and therefore they do not need to understand the words to perceive what is happening. Therefore, it is wrong to think that “since he does not understand us, he does not find out.” Children are very sensitive to non-verbal displays of anger and much more to those discussions in which they are “the subject” of the conflict. As they get older, studies show that they become more and more involved in discussions, peaking in adolescence.
Some considerations.
Research emphasizes ending conflicts: when they are truly resolved (not just leaving them parked until the next match) then they have very little impact on the minors. It has also been discovered that it makes no difference whether children are present or not at the time of solving the conflict, since they have a lot of sensitivity to understand that the problem has been solved, even though they have not witnessed such a solution; However, even if they present this ability, it does not necessarily imply that they can always do it, so it is recommended that parents explain that they have been able to fix the situation, and above all that it was not their fault, that they are not responsible. From the child’s point of view, offering an apology is the best way to end a conflict.
To finish.
If you as a couple cannot avoid your fights, if they are not something specific but the usual, you may need to consider accepting that your relationship has ended, not prolonging a useless battle and not putting your children through these situations. Conflicting parents often change their way of exercising parenthood, becoming more demanding, permissive/ negligent, or overprotective. And the child immersed in a situation of this type grows with anxiety, fear, guilt and anger, which he will end up expressing in the same way that he has been seeing throughout his childhood.
Consult a specialist.
If, on the contrary, they think that their relationship can be saved and both are willing to do so, then it is best to consult a specialist who will guide them in solving their conflicts in order to have a peaceful and beneficial home for the children.
